tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7823671741939904607.post1355547417024881428..comments2015-04-27T18:47:00.753-05:00Comments on Ryan Mueller's Writing: untitled chapter 1 (as seen on Evil Editor)Ryan Muellerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05364911012131580497noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7823671741939904607.post-71156015245168476302013-12-23T15:54:42.530-06:002013-12-23T15:54:42.530-06:00I like the start of this. Has an air of mystery to...I like the start of this. Has an air of mystery to it.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7823671741939904607.post-64546818703183170372011-12-17T04:46:06.168-06:002011-12-17T04:46:06.168-06:00The Institute, a dismal, imposing concrete fortres...The Institute, a dismal, imposing concrete fortress stood out against the orange sky. Two towers, remnants of the war, flanked the Institute’s entrance. Atop each tower, a sniper sat in waiting, laser rifle in hand, his index finger on the trigger. A young man made his way toward the entrance. <br />Joe Raymond couldn’t see the shadowy figures whose sights were aimed his direction, but he knew they were there. His stomach lurched. Fifty feet from the entrance a red dot slid up his legs, his torso, his nose—finally coming to rest on his forehead. <br />Joe knew the drill. He raised his hands above his head.<br />“Stay where you are,” commanded one of the snipers over a loudspeaker. “Security is on its way.”<br />When the door in front of him opened, he breathed deeply. Three men in black stood at the ready. <br />A man with a scarred face stepped forward. “State your name and your business.”<br />“Joe…Joe Raymond to visit Marietta Lee.”<br />The man pulled a small electronic device from a pocket and hit a button. Details of Joe’s visit in the form of a hologram appeared. One word mattered to Joe. Approved.<br />“Are you carrying any weapons?”<br />“N-no, no weapons,” said Joe.<br />“Come with us.”<br />Joe followed the security detail. He couldn’t shake the feeling that something was going to go wrong.<br />“The detector,” the man jerked his head.<br />Joe stepped into a large, metallic box. A green turned on. <br />“There is some paperwork to fill out.”<br />Joe followed them. The National Institute for Mental Health was a government facility; he expected bureaucracy but not paperwork.<br />His escort pointed to the seat opposite him. <br />Joe sat. <br />“What is the reason for your visit?” <br />“I heard that an old friend of mine was here. We grew up in the same housing unit. I wanted to see her.”<br />“Follow me.” The head of the security opened a door. <br />Hundreds of doors lined the hall Joe entered. The floor beneath his feet was white, as were the walls and the ceiling. The general effect was blinding. <br />Joe tried to stay calm, but he couldn’t help feeling like a prisoner as he continued down the hall. His mind drifted to the horrors of life in the Institute. Marietta’s misery in this place must be overpowering her. <br /><br /><br />I saw this on EE's site as well. Too many unnecessary details kill the pace. No need to set up each sentence with an "if" "then". We get it. Excessive blocking of movement (staging) and are not doing the story any good. Show the story, resist from telling the reader how you want it perceived. Let the reader get involved by leaving stuff to the imagination. The simple past is more powerful than past perfect.<br /><br />Tighten every sentence. Not a bad start.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7823671741939904607.post-15951118317379432372011-12-06T12:26:05.898-06:002011-12-06T12:26:05.898-06:00Thank you for the suggestions, Emily. I can see h...Thank you for the suggestions, Emily. I can see how third person limited could help. I probably will leave it alone for the most part until I finish. Now, I just need to get one of my characters from another story to let me write this one instead.Ryan Muellerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05364911012131580497noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7823671741939904607.post-90015127028220930592011-12-06T12:03:05.485-06:002011-12-06T12:03:05.485-06:00Oh, I'm already editing my version.
"He ...Oh, I'm already editing my version. <br />"He imagined their index fingers lightly caressing triggers."<br />"the dots slid up his legs, torso, nose ... and paused. The scarlet glare floated just outside his vision."Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03308347645723660613noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7823671741939904607.post-46123994176490265002011-12-06T11:57:53.610-06:002011-12-06T11:57:53.610-06:00I saw your beginning on Evil Editor and followed t...I saw your beginning on Evil Editor and followed to your blog. Did you say that this is all you've written of the book? My advice would be to leave it alone until your first draft is finished. The beginning will change again anyways, many times.<br />But if you do decide to edit this now I think it would work better in third person limited POV. so write everything as Joe sees it through his eyes and his thoughts. The only part that doesn't do that is in the first paragraph.<br /><br />Here's my take on the first part (not <br />changing too much, just deleting a few words). I figured that if you have "The National Institute of Mental Health" in the chapter heading then you don't need it in the first sentence.<br /><br />The National Institute of Mental Health<br /><br />The institute loomed like a giant medieval fortress, dismal and imposing against the orange sky. Two towers, remnants of the war, flanked the Institute’s entrance. Joe Raymond knew there’d be snipers atop each tower, just out of sight. He could almost feel their index fingers lightly caressing triggers.<br /><br />His stomach lurched and he quickened his pace. Once he stepped within fifty feet of the entrance, red dots appeared on the stone walkway in front of him. He froze. The dots slid up his legs, torso, nose— and up. The scarlet glare floated just outside his vision.<br /><br />Legs quivering, he raised his hands above his head slowly.<br /><br />(i put the quickened pace back in because I feel it gives the snipers even more reason to target him.)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03308347645723660613noreply@blogger.com