Monday, December 5, 2011

untitled chapter 1 (as seen on Evil Editor)

 
Chapter 1
The National Institute of Mental Health
The National Institute of Mental Health loomed like a giant medieval fortress, a dismal and imposing figure against the orange sky.  Two towers, remnants of the war, flanked the Institute’s entrance.  Atop each tower, a sniper sat in waiting, laser rifle in hand, his index finger lightly caressing the trigger.  A young man was making his way toward the entrance.   
Joe Raymond couldn’t see the shadowy figures whose sights were aimed his direction, but he knew they were there.  His stomach gave an unsettling lurch.  He took a few more steps.  Fifty feet from the entrance, slid up his legs, his torso, his nose—finally coming to rest on his forehead.  Their scarlet glare floated just outside his vision.
Though he had never visited the Institute before, Joe knew the drill.  Legs quivering, he raised his hands above his head slowly, deliberately.
“Stay right where you are,” commanded one of the snipers over a loudspeaker.  “Security will be with you shortly.”
Minutes passed, but it seemed like hours to Joe.  When at last the door in front of him opened, he breathed a sigh of relief.  Three men attired in black uniforms stepped through the opening.  The insignia on their shoulders revealed them as the Institute’s police detail.
An older man with a scarred face stepped forward.  “State your name and your business.”
“Joe…Joe Raymond.  I am here to visit Marietta Lee.”
The man pulled a small electronic device from a pocket in his uniform.  He pressed a button, and the device projected the details of Joe’s visit in the form of a hologram.  A fuzzy reproduction of Joe’s face accompanied a few lines of type.  Only one word mattered to Joe.  Approved.
“It would seem you have been approved,” said the man.  “Please come with us.”  His eyes examined Joe thoroughly.  “Also, now would be the time to inform us if you are carrying any weapons.”
“N-no, no weapons,” said Joe.
“Come with us.”
Joe followed the security detail hesitantly.  He couldn’t shake the feeling that something would go wrong as soon as he stepped through the door.
“You must go through the detector,” said the same man.
“Okay.”  Joe stepped into a large, metallic box.  This box was currently dark, but it would light up quickly after he entered it.  The light, he knew, would turn green if he was deemed safe and red if he was deemed unsafe.  A few anxious moments passed before the light turned green.
“Alright,” said the head of the security detail.  “Please come with us.  There is some paperwork to fill out.”
As Joe followed them, he couldn’t help but think the word paperwork was a bit outdated.  No one used paper anymore.  However, paperwork was, and always had been, associated with bureaucracy.  And seeing as the National Institute for Mental Health was a part of the government, he had expected bureaucracy of the most tiresome sort.
The only man who had spoken thus far took a seat behind a table.  He pointed to the seat opposite him.  “Sit.”
Joe acquiesced.  His heart pounded against his ribcage as he lowered himself into the chair.
“What is the reason for your visit today?” asked the man.
“Didn’t I already tell you?”  Joe noticed his words appearing on the hologram, exactly as he had said them.
“Yes, but I would like to know your actual reason.”
“Th-that is my actual reason,” said Joe nervously, eyes intent on the text that was appearing.
“I don’t doubt that.  What I’m looking for is the ulterior motive.”
“Does their have to be an ulterior motive?” said Joe.
The man scrutinized Joe with a piercing look.  “Don’t play the whole stupid act with me.  It won’t fly.  This is not a pleasant place.  People don’t come here unless they have a very good reason.”
Joe fidgeted in his seat.  “Well, I just heard that an old friend of mine was here.  Marietta and I grew up in the same housing unit.  I wanted to see her.”
“Very well,” said the man as he rose from his chair.  “Follow me.”  He turned to the other guards and ordered them back to their posts.  The head of the security detail clicked a button on his device, and the fuzzy hologram of type faded.
Moments later, he opened a door, then beckoned Joe through it.  Joe shuffled hesitantly through the door, peering back at the man warily.  There was no visible expression on the guard’s scarred face.
Hundreds of doors lined the long hall Joe had entered.  The floor beneath his feet was white, as were the walls and the ceiling.  The general effect was blinding.  Joe slowed his pace, prompting the guard to prod him from behind.
“Keep moving.”
Joe tried to calm his nerves, but he couldn’t help feeling like a prisoner as he marched down the hall.  His mind drifted to the horrors of life in the Institute.  He couldn’t fathom Marietta’s misery in this bleak place.  

5 comments:

  1. I saw your beginning on Evil Editor and followed to your blog. Did you say that this is all you've written of the book? My advice would be to leave it alone until your first draft is finished. The beginning will change again anyways, many times.
    But if you do decide to edit this now I think it would work better in third person limited POV. so write everything as Joe sees it through his eyes and his thoughts. The only part that doesn't do that is in the first paragraph.

    Here's my take on the first part (not
    changing too much, just deleting a few words). I figured that if you have "The National Institute of Mental Health" in the chapter heading then you don't need it in the first sentence.

    The National Institute of Mental Health

    The institute loomed like a giant medieval fortress, dismal and imposing against the orange sky. Two towers, remnants of the war, flanked the Institute’s entrance. Joe Raymond knew there’d be snipers atop each tower, just out of sight. He could almost feel their index fingers lightly caressing triggers.

    His stomach lurched and he quickened his pace. Once he stepped within fifty feet of the entrance, red dots appeared on the stone walkway in front of him. He froze. The dots slid up his legs, torso, nose— and up. The scarlet glare floated just outside his vision.

    Legs quivering, he raised his hands above his head slowly.

    (i put the quickened pace back in because I feel it gives the snipers even more reason to target him.)

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  2. Oh, I'm already editing my version.
    "He imagined their index fingers lightly caressing triggers."
    "the dots slid up his legs, torso, nose ... and paused. The scarlet glare floated just outside his vision."

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  3. Thank you for the suggestions, Emily. I can see how third person limited could help. I probably will leave it alone for the most part until I finish. Now, I just need to get one of my characters from another story to let me write this one instead.

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  4. The Institute, a dismal, imposing concrete fortress stood out against the orange sky. Two towers, remnants of the war, flanked the Institute’s entrance. Atop each tower, a sniper sat in waiting, laser rifle in hand, his index finger on the trigger. A young man made his way toward the entrance.
    Joe Raymond couldn’t see the shadowy figures whose sights were aimed his direction, but he knew they were there. His stomach lurched. Fifty feet from the entrance a red dot slid up his legs, his torso, his nose—finally coming to rest on his forehead.
    Joe knew the drill. He raised his hands above his head.
    “Stay where you are,” commanded one of the snipers over a loudspeaker. “Security is on its way.”
    When the door in front of him opened, he breathed deeply. Three men in black stood at the ready.
    A man with a scarred face stepped forward. “State your name and your business.”
    “Joe…Joe Raymond to visit Marietta Lee.”
    The man pulled a small electronic device from a pocket and hit a button. Details of Joe’s visit in the form of a hologram appeared. One word mattered to Joe. Approved.
    “Are you carrying any weapons?”
    “N-no, no weapons,” said Joe.
    “Come with us.”
    Joe followed the security detail. He couldn’t shake the feeling that something was going to go wrong.
    “The detector,” the man jerked his head.
    Joe stepped into a large, metallic box. A green turned on.
    “There is some paperwork to fill out.”
    Joe followed them. The National Institute for Mental Health was a government facility; he expected bureaucracy but not paperwork.
    His escort pointed to the seat opposite him.
    Joe sat.
    “What is the reason for your visit?”
    “I heard that an old friend of mine was here. We grew up in the same housing unit. I wanted to see her.”
    “Follow me.” The head of the security opened a door.
    Hundreds of doors lined the hall Joe entered. The floor beneath his feet was white, as were the walls and the ceiling. The general effect was blinding.
    Joe tried to stay calm, but he couldn’t help feeling like a prisoner as he continued down the hall. His mind drifted to the horrors of life in the Institute. Marietta’s misery in this place must be overpowering her.


    I saw this on EE's site as well. Too many unnecessary details kill the pace. No need to set up each sentence with an "if" "then". We get it. Excessive blocking of movement (staging) and are not doing the story any good. Show the story, resist from telling the reader how you want it perceived. Let the reader get involved by leaving stuff to the imagination. The simple past is more powerful than past perfect.

    Tighten every sentence. Not a bad start.

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  5. I like the start of this. Has an air of mystery to it.

    ReplyDelete